We have a community water park that we go to multiple times per week. We usually bring at least one of my 10-year-old daughter’s friends from the neighborhood. The place is pretty big, so we ask that every hour, my daughter and her friend(s) check back with us so they can get a drink of water and some shade. This helps us to also know that they are safe. My daughter doesn’t respect the limit. She pretty much laughs at us and only comes to us when she wants to. There is no excuse for this, because the lifeguards blow the whistle every hour. What do we do?

Answer: Limits that are not enforced are not limits.

They are suggestions.

Kids who don’t have actual (enforced) limits often tend to learn some destructive lessons during their childhoods:

–When people set limits, those limits can be ignored.

–Authority figures have no authority and can be ignored.

Not exactly a paradigm for lifelong success in education, the job market, or the world at large.

So, instead of using words to create suggestions, here’s I would set up your daughter’s world so that I could teach her with my actions that:

Limits set by authority figures cannot be ignored and

Authority figures are authority figures.

The day before taking Kid to the waterpark with Kid’s Friend, I go to Kid’s Friend’s Parent and set up a plan for taking action, instead of making suggestions:

Kid Whisperer: Hey, Kid’s Friend’s Parent. I have a plan for getting Kid and Kid’s Friend to check in with us every hour at the water park, and I need your help to make it happen.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Whatever you need. If it works, can we use it when I take them to the mall, where I have the exact same problem you’re having?

Kid Whisperer: Absolutely. All I need from you tomorrow is to expect that I will be dropping Kid’s Friend back to your house probably within an hour after I pick her up.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: I like where this is going and I’m all in. I am also very excited to take them to the mall now.

Kid Whisperer: Done deal.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Done deal.

The next day at the water park:

Kid Whisperer: Today things will be different. I will be happy to chaperone this waterpark excursion as long as you both have checked in with me within 45 seconds of the whistle on the hour every hour.

Kid: Whatever.

Kid’s Friend: Your dad is weird.

Kid and Kid’s Friend walk off into the waterpark.

Later, exactly 45 seconds after the hourly whistle, Kid Whisperer packs up his things and starts looking out for Kid and Kid’s Friend.

Kid Whisperer: OK, ladies. Time to go.

Kid: What? Why?

Kid Whisperer: Why do you think? Please pack up your stuff.

Kid: Because we didn’t come back at the whistle?

Kid Whisperer: Bingo.

Kid’s Friend: Are you serious?

Kid Whisperer: As you are picking up your things, and as we leave, you will have time to decide whether I am serious.

Everyone then leaves the waterpark and Kid’s Friend is dropped off at her house.

All adults in this situation must fight the urge to lecture or use anger. This may be difficult because everyone has developed a bad habit of trying to teach with words instead of actions. Don’t warn or threaten: You want this scenario to play out so that Kid and Kid’s Friend learn through their failure and your action that limits are limits, not merely suggestions.

Behavioral consultant Scott Ervin, M.Ed, is a parent and former teacher and principal. He is the author of “The Classroom Behavior Manual: How to Build Relationships, Share Control, and Teach Positive Behaviors,” published by ASCD. More information can be found at www.behavioralleadership.com

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

We have a community water park that we go to multiple times per week. We usually bring at least one of my 10-year-old daughter’s friends from the neighborhood. The place is pretty big, so we ask that every hour, my daughter and her friend(s) check back with us so they can get a drink of water and some shade. This helps us to also know that they are safe. My daughter doesn’t respect the limit. She pretty much laughs at us and only comes to us when she wants to. There is no excuse for this, because the lifeguards blow the whistle every hour. What do we do?

Answer: Limits that are not enforced are not limits.

They are suggestions.

Kids who don’t have actual (enforced) limits often tend to learn some destructive lessons during their childhoods:

•  When people set limits, those limits can be ignored.
•  Authority figures have no authority and can be ignored.

Not exactly a paradigm for lifelong success in education, the job market, or the world at large.

So, instead of using words to create suggestions, here’s I would set up your daughter’s world so that I could teach her with my actions that:

Limits set by authority figures cannot be ignored and

Authority figures are authority figures.

The day before taking Kid to the waterpark with Kid’s Friend, I go to Kid’s Friend’s Parent and set up a plan for taking action, instead of making suggestions:

Kid Whisperer: Hey, Kid’s Friend’s Parent. I have a plan for getting Kid and Kid’s Friend to check in with us every hour at the water park, and I need your help to make it happen.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Whatever you need. If it works, can we use it when I take them to the mall, where I have the exact same problem you’re having?

Kid Whisperer: Absolutely. All I need from you tomorrow is to expect that I will be dropping Kid’s Friend back to your house probably within an hour after I pick her up.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: I like where this is going and I’m all in. I am also very excited to take them to the mall now.

Kid Whisperer: Done deal.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Done deal.

The next day at the water park:

Kid Whisperer: Today things will be different. I will be happy to chaperone this waterpark excursion as long as you both have checked in with me within 45 seconds of the whistle on the hour every hour.

Kid: Whatever.

Kid’s Friend: Your dad is weird.

Kid and Kid’s Friend walk off into the waterpark.

Later, exactly 45 seconds after the hourly whistle, Kid Whisperer packs up his things and starts looking out for Kid and Kid’s Friend.

Kid Whisperer: OK, ladies. Time to go.

Kid: What? Why?

Kid Whisperer: Why do you think? Please pack up your stuff.

Kid: Because we didn’t come back at the whistle?

Kid Whisperer: Bingo.

Kid’s Friend: Are you serious?

Kid Whisperer: As you are picking up your things, and as we leave, you will have time to decide whether I am serious.

Everyone then leaves the waterpark and Kid’s Friend is dropped off at her house.

All adults in this situation must fight the urge to lecture or use anger. This may be difficult because everyone has developed a bad habit of trying to teach with words instead of actions. Don’t warn or threaten: You want this scenario to play out so that Kid and Kid’s Friend learn through their failure and your action that limits are limits, not merely suggestions.

Behavioral consultant Scott Ervin, M.Ed, is a parent and former teacher and principal. He is the author of “The Classroom Behavior Manual: How to Build Relationships, Share Control, and Teach Positive Behaviors,” published by ASCD. More information can be found at www.behavioralleadership.com

I would appreciate some guidance. You trained teachers at my school in Behavioral Leadership. I think the strategies are great, but I have a few concerns with how some things are being implemented and would LOVE some advice and direction. I’m specifically looking for guidance on Delayed Learning Opportunities (DLOs) as it is my biggest concern so far, especially with students with disabilities.

Answer: The reality is that Traditional Discipline tends to fail all kids, especially kids with disabilities.

Lectures, warnings and punishments (the arbitrary placement of negative experiences on kids aimed at changing their behavior): How do those tactics work with kids? Right. Not at all.

How about trying to put a punishment on a kid immediately, while the kid can’t think and learn and while the teacher can’t think and teach? Right. That doesn’t work either.

How about if you try to do all of this while the classroom teacher is dysregulated because she is teaching 25 other kids, and the intervention specialist (IS) is dysregulated because she is not teaching, but instead is being used as a fire-putter-outer by the entire school because everyone is using Traditional Discipline and all of the behaviors are becoming slightly worse every day? Right. It doesn’t work at all.

So, first we need to be making behaviors better school-wide, instead of worse, every day, by using Behavioral Leadership with all kids so ISs and everyone else can be doing the jobs they signed up for instead of cleaning up the messes created by Traditional Discipline all day long.

Next, with all kids, including kids with disabilities, we need to treat discipline exactly like we treat academics: when a kid doesn’t know how to do something — either how to use a pro-social behavior, or how to be responsible for their actions — they need to either be taught to do the pro-social behavior, or be required to solve the problem that they caused. These lessons are not optional.

Here’s the piece that is so important for the Special Education world: Just like academics, we need to work together as experts in education, with our different areas of expertise (as classroom teachers, counselors, ISs, Occupational Therapists, administrators, school psychologists) and come together to create appropriate LESSONS for kids, whether or not they have a disability.

This is obviously completely impossible while using Traditional Discipline and immediate punishments. It would be impossible to get all of the experts together to come up with a real lesson the moment a kid was using a big negative behavior. Plus, if it’s a punishment, it would be very unlikely if it changed the behavior anyway.

In contrast, when we delay the learning opportunity with calm empathy, as described in our trainings and in my book, we are afforded the time to rally all of the various experts together to create an authentic, appropriate Delayed Learning Opportunity (DLO) for that individual kid that considers all relevant details of that specific kid, including age, disability and so on.

It is highly possible that kids can have a disability AND be seeking attention, control or avoidance. If we are using Traditional Discipline, often with anger and/or frustration, and/or demands, we are systematically reinforcing negative behaviors from everyone, including kids with disabilities. In this scenario, it is difficult or impossible to tell whether the behavior is due more to a disability or if it is control, attention or avoidance-seeking, since Traditional Discipline does not significantly give kids healthy control and can invite power struggles. When you use DLOs correctly, all professionals can work together to TEACH appropriately.

And we err on the side of kids being capable. Maybe, hypothetically, it is truly impossible for a hypothetical 8-year-old with a disability to practice sitting in a chair for 15 minutes in the morning before school. But maybe it’s possible for him to practice sitting in that chair for 2 minutes. If it’s not, then he shouldn’t be asked to sit in a chair for 2 minutes during class.

Special education and classroom teachers need to align on this so that they are not asking kids to do things they can’t do, both before they fail and after they fail (hopefully before).

PK-12 educators are some of the best people in the world, because they care about other people more than they care about themselves. Why else would they do their jobs? They’re certainly not doing it for the money. Traditional Discipline creates an impossible situation for the best people (educators). Behavioral Leadership and Delayed Learning Opportunities create a real way for the best people to work together to do the most good for the kids who need their help and guidance.

Behavioral consultant Scott Ervin, M.Ed, is a parent and former teacher and principal. He is the author of “The Classroom Behavior Manual: How to Build Relationships, Share Control, and Teach Positive Behaviors,” published by ASCD. More information can be found at www.behavioralleadership.com

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.